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Online Affairs, and Sex-Chat
I wanted to talk about a problem that has been growing to an epidemic level these days; it's online affairs and
sex-chat. For those who are unfamiliar with this addiction I will briefly explain it to you. An online affair is an online
(Internet) romantic and sexual relationship, sometimes one of brief duration, between two people who are not married to each
other. You might think that this sounds harmless and boring because you aren't really with the person, but these relationships
touch deep emotional and sexual needs and desires. They can grow into a more permanent relationship where you meet the person
in the flesh, have sex, and start a relationship that can lead to marriage and/or children. Online sex-chat and affairs start
small, but can quickly become big like any other addiction. It seems like it is low risk, because they cannot see you,
or know your name unless you want them to. Ideally, you should just be able to turn off the power to your computer, and just
walk away, but online affairs and sex-chat have many unseen drawbacks and risks that in the end, can cost you and the person
you are having the affair with, everything you love and value.
Although I do not want to educate people on how to sin, I do want people to understand this addiction so that they
can identify and avoid it. Sex-chat happens when two people get online and either chat on their messenger (Yahoo, AOL, MSN,
or whatever you use), or they chat in public chat rooms and go into a private conversation. There are also dedicated porn
sites that offer real-time video sex chat for a fee. When these people chat, they type in a romantic/sexual dialog that is
meant to stimulate and arouse each other sexually and emotionally, and they usually masturbate while doing it. I know your
first question is; "how can they do all that with two hands?" Well, I guess you just have to be motivated and skilled enough,
and that's as far as I will go with that. Some people also have web cams, which allow them to visually interact, as well as
using their microphone rather than using a keyboard to communicate. When they are done, they may move on to someone else,
or become more attached to each other emotionally and begin a deeper online relationship.
Some people may take their relationship to the next level and meet, or some people actually leave their spouse
and kids for their new online romance. The feelings of lust and infatuation can be very strong, but also very misleading and
deceiving. You might think this is a horrible, selfish, and disgusting way for a responsible mother or father to act, but
it is no different than throwing your life away for drugs or alcohol. They are trying to relieve old unhealed emotional pain
with sensual and emotional pleasure. We must be careful to always try to be objective about someone else's problems, especially
if you think you are beyond committing them. I have learned in all my years of working with, and counseling the addicted,
that anyone is capable of doing anything, at anytime, given the right circumstances, needs, opportunity, and stress triggers.
Sin pleasure addiction is like ice cream, it may come in many flavors, but it's still all just ice cream (and poisonous at
that). Just because you like chocolate, and someone else likes vanilla, doesn't mean that your ice cream (addiction) is any
better or worse than somebody else's. The root problem and answer are the same for all who are trapped in any addiction.
Often after a climax during sex-chat, the lust subsides, and the guilt kicks in. We swear we will never do "that"
again, and we resolve to do what's right from now on. The problem is, addiction doesn't let you off the hook that easy. That
romance fix, or sexual fix you got today, will be crying out for even more gratification tomorrow. Plus, there is the physical
need to have sex, that will come back and push you for more gratification. What you used to think you controlled, now controls
you. Some people throw their computers away, but their loneliness and lust call them back again. Many people eventually get
caught by their spouse, kids, boss, or someone else, and in one second everyone's trust in you, and your reputation, can take
a huge nosedive. If it is your spouse that catches you, you may be packing a suitcase, if it's a boss, you may be cleaning
out your desk. Does this sound far-fetched to you? Well, trust me, it's not. It is a very serious problem in our culture and
society today. Many marriages have been ruined by online affairs and sex-chat.
Spiritually, you are also taking a huge risk, because God has said that the only legal sexual relationship to Him,
is a husband and wife having sexual intercourse for the purpose of marital intimacy, mutual physical pleasure, and/or for
creating children. Jesus said that if you are even looking at someone to lust after them and fantasizing that you are having
sex with them (a necessary requirement for masturbation), then you are guilty of real adultery. Anyone who has sex-chatted
for a time, can tell you, that it is more than just sex. There is a spiritual union and intimacy that takes place when doing
it, where you mingle your souls with that other person you are having cyber sex with. Like God said, "the two shall, become
one flesh", and you take a part of that person with you wherever you go, which many spouses can spiritually pick up on if
you have been with someone else. You may end up with "spiritual lipstick" on your collar. God has said very clearly, that
anyone who habitually commits sexual sin, will not be allowed into heaven, and there is only one other place to go after that,
hell. He alone is the only one that created and designed the human body, so He alone has the right to tell us the right and
wrong way can use our bodies sexually. If your car breaks down, you consult the manufacturer to fix it, because they have
made the car, and know the right way to use and repair the car. God is our manufacturer.
MT 5:27 "You have heard that it was said, `Do not commit adultery.' 28 But I tell you that anyone
who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart
1CO 6:9 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither
the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10 nor thieves
nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you
were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit
of our God.
REV 22:14 "Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the tree of life
and may go through the gates into the city. 15 Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral,
the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.
In the latter stages of an online romance, it is usually either broken off, taken to the next level,
or discovered by others, and then that person may end up divorced for adultery. If a woman sees no future in a relationship,
or if the affair has lost its romantic spark, she may just break things off. Sometimes it may take several tries to finally
end the relationship. A man will many times carry on the relationship as long as he gets sexual pleasure out of it. Most online
affairs do nothing but dirty a persons soul, make them a nervous wreck afraid of getting caught, and/or cause deep depression,
shame, and guilt that they try to relieve with other kinds of pleasure fixes like drugs, smoking, food, or alcohol. Even if
you don't get caught, you will always have to carry that guilt around inside you, which can be a terrible burden and weight
to bear. Or they may worry that their ex-lover may come back around and somehow tell on them. It is hard to look into your
children's eyes every day, knowing the risk you are taking with their future and lives.
This problem can be worked through though, if there is love, two very willing people, a skilled
compassionate counselor, repentance from the sin, forgiveness, and a lot of help, grace, and healing from God. You may have
to put the computer in a public place in your home, surrender your cell phone, get a filtered Internet provider, or install
a spy program to monitor what is being viewed on the computer, or just get rid of the computer altogether. If the offender
truly wants to stop practicing this addiction, then they shouldn't have a problem doing any of these things listed above.
If they are still hanging on to that affair even a little, then they may squawk about it, and make excuses that they need
the computer for work, email, or information. Well you can still do those things with a filtered service and a monitoring
program. Plus there is the TV and newspapers for current news. You must draw a line with the offender, and tell them that
their marriage must be more important than anything else, or they may try to rekindle the affair when they think things have
died down again, or if and when they get lonely or sexually aroused.
Most of the time we seek an affair, it is because our emotional and sexual needs are not being met
in our marriage. Most men who are heavy into pornography lose interest in natural sex. Many women who were not affirmed and
valued properly by their fathers will never feel validated as an adult woman, and will unconsciously and vicariously try to
meet that unmet need through an affair(s). Online affairs, and sex-chat are nothing more than life-cheating. God made good
rules for us to live by, and we will be at our happiest, healthiest, and most satisfied, when we follow them. God also wants
to heal your heart at the root level, from all the old unhealed emotional pain that you are trying to manage and relieve with
sexual pleasure addictions (affairs, sex chat, masturbation). If you are having an online affair or sex-chatting addiction
problem right now, then there is a way out of this dark hole you are trapped in my friend. If you are truly willing to let
go of this addiction, God will do everything to help you. There are many people and couples, who have successfully worked
through this, but you must be willing to surrender this problem to God completely.
Here is a prayer if you need it.
"Dear God, I am so sorry for committing adultery and sexual immorality against you, my spouse, my
lover, and my body. I also ask that you would forgive me for trying to cheat at the sexual rules you have set up for humankind
to live by. God, I ask that you would help me to get out of this nightmare, right now, today. I now repent of all forms of
adultery, sexual immorality, sexual perversion, masturbation, lustful fantasizing, pornography, and especially from hurting
you and those I love. I ask Lord, that you would heal me from all the damage of my childhood, and let me experience what I
didn't get from my earthy parents, from you. Even as you forgave King David for his adultery, and the woman caught in adultery
that you saved from stoning, I ask for that same mercy right now. Help me to forgive myself as well Lord. Please show me what
to do next God. I commit all of my heart and life to you this day. In Jesus name I pray, amen".
Some scriptures to help you.
JN 8:1 But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. 2 At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where
all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in
a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the
act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" 6 They were using this question
as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning
him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."
8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
JN 8:9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus
was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one
condemned you?"
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